Four years old!

We are parents to a boy who decided to decorate his own birthday crown (the crowns are a Dutch tradition) at day care by writing his name, with no example, and no encouragement. He wrote his own name, commenting the K was a bit hard to write. But looking at this picture I think this is a pretty darn perfect K for an almost-four-year old.

Our big boy, once 610 grams, will be four years old tomorrow and I can barely wrap my mind around this thought.

This past week has been drenched with memories of four years ago. For whatever reason, four feels different from two and three. Of course one was huge... somehow four feels big too, though. I guess that, here in the Netherlands, four means starting school, and perhaps that is part of the reason? Or is it that Loki is developing rapidly and really changing into this big kid who now fluently speaks two languages and reasons up a storm?

Whatever the explanation, my memory of pregnancy, early birth, and endless hospitals is more vivid than it has been in a very long time. It started almost a week ago on the date of my PPROM (water breaking), and it comes with mixed emotions. I couldn't even say if these feelings are good or bad, pleasant or not. Whatever they are, it feels comforting somehow. Odd, isn't it? What felt like terror and hell at the time, now feels comforting four years later. To think about being hospitalized, high on drugs, thinking about trying my very best NOT to give birth to the baby whom I already loved more than anything before he was born, feels comforting. It is comforting to think about waiting in the recovery room for hours before I could meet my child, however heartbreaking it was way back then. It is frightening yet comforting to think about all the ups and downs throughout the NICU, the years of medical issues, tube feedings, vomiting, sleepless nights, surgeries, scary illnesses, everything. As much as I hated it, I also love these memories. I would change them in a heartbeat to make life easier on Loki and us, yet still these memories are me. They are what I am. How on earth is this possible? How on earth can I cherish the most frightening days of my life?

I think I understand. I look at where we are today and I realize the ridiculous luck we have had. Also, Loki's difficult start is a huge reason why he is who he is. And what is not to love about this funny, witty, smart and handsome boy? The terrifying start is who we are and how we became parents. We survived and we came out stronger.

There is so much I would love to share about all Loki says and all Loki does. But I choose to celebrate his fourth birthday by sharing my gratitude and love for this wonderful human being in our lives.

Loki, you deserve all the love coming your way, and boy am I grateful that you are the person who you are. Le'ts celebrate by eating cake; playing Micky Mouse, Dora, Elton John, a pilot crashing an airplane on water safely; dancing before our invisible audience; writing our own stories; and celebrating your life. Because sweetie pie, you can do all these things just in one day.

Have a  very happy birthday Loki-doki-artichoki!