Thursday, October 17, 2013

What wasn't there.. dedicated to my fellow preemie mothers

Dear people,

It is the evening before Loki's fifth birthday. Our once tiny elf will be five years old tomorrow. It is a big deal. It probably always will be a big deal. Not only was Loki born extremely prematurely, he has some rather serious lingering health issues with his kidney.

Most years on this day I reminisce about what is, where we are, where we come from and how amazing it is we find ourselves yet a year older with many new and beautiful developments. Although this is all still true today, I won't go there right now. I am choosing to share a very personal story about what I am experiencing now, the eve of Loki's 5th birthday.

I have not written, nor talked, much about what we did not have. This is odd, of course. Why think about what one does not have? Why pain my brain and heart with what is not, when what we have is so much better than we dared to hope for when Loki was born? The reason is simple, like any mother I had hopes, dreams, expectations about what motherhood would bring. I fantasized about what kind of a mother I would be and how my healthy and happy child would thrive. For the first time in five years I dare to look at these hopes and dreams and feel the reality of what is not. I did not experience a healthy pregnancy, where I would grow together with my child, proudly sticking my stomach in the air, showing off my ever growing bump. Except for one very obvious move, I did not feel my child move around in my womb, there just was not enough space. My partner did not feel his child move and kick while having his hand on my belly. There was no home birth, there was not a vaginal birth, there was no doulah no midwife. We did not have our own music, no room filled with love and excitement for what was about to be happen. There were no weeks following Loki's birth where we could figure out parenthood together. No first bath, no holding my baby, cuddling after breastfeeding, napping with baby next to me. There were no regular toddler years where I could explore the world with my child, playing with friends, without worrying about germs, illnesses, the next hospital stay. There have not been many fun family meals, where how much goes and stays in is not carefully watched. I have not had the energy to fill the house with fun art projects or go on forest walks collecting seasonal treasures with the love and dedication I remember from my own mother.

There is a lot I had hoped for, and still we have so much more than I dared hoping for when Loki was born.... I think I survived alright, I think I have done okay considering the circumstances. But dear, dear people, our story was not my dream, not even close. We move forward enough to make this experience a safe one. As exhausting as it may be, I do feel that allowing and acknowledging these emotions help me become more of the mother I can and want to be. I want to be attentive and warm, loving and encouraging. With an unopened backpack filled with sadness, I feel worn down. So I am opening up this luggage, look at it and shed all the tears I held on to for all those years. I grieve those lost dreams........I grieve the loss of "normal."

I want to dedicate this post to all preemie mothers I know personally or who read this blog. Some of you are very dear friends, whom I know, understand exactly what I am talking about. I dedicate this writing to you wonderful woman, who protects and moves forward on a daily basis, despite major challenges on your road. I dedicate this to you dear friend, because I know from your personal story, that you have wandered very similar paths. I hold you so dear in my heart and I thank you for entrusting me with your story, it helps me just to know you are there! Thank you!

3 comments:

Marije Meijering said...

Zo waar. En dat verdriet heeft ook ruimte nodig, heel veel ruimte en misschien wordt het dan ooit, ooit een heel klein beetje minder schrijnend. Want het is ook (ook!) gewoon een rotstreek dat het allemaal zo gelopen is!

Suzan said...

Knap hoor dat je die emoties toe kunt laten! En door ze te delen, geef je anderen ook herkenning en troost. Ik moest vaak aan jullie denken als wij moeilijkheden hadden voor de bevalling van Rozelie en later ook. Aan hoe heftig die periode voor julliemoet zijn geweest. Ik wens jullie een rustiger, zorgelozere tijd toe de komende tijd. Heel veel liefs en goede toegewenst! Suzan

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About Loki Sky

Loki Sky is a special little man. He was a very early micropreemie, weighing only 610 grams (1 lb, 5 oz) after 24 weeks, 3 days gestation, born to an American Father and a Dutch Mother in Berkeley, California on October 18, 2008.

On January 11, 2009, while still in the hospital NICU, his one kidney stopped working. It was repaired after three surgeries. After spending time in three hospitals in three cities, Loki came home on February 17. He struggled with eating, and then stopped in July, leading to 8 days in the hospital, a failure-to-thrive diagnosis, and a NG feeding tube. On October 10, a minor surgery installed a G feeding tube. Another procedure replaced it with a new one, and then again with a Mic-Key button in Jan. 2010.

In August 2010, he and his parents moved to the Netherlands.

Read about his first name.
Read & hear about his middle name.
See photos.
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